Pinku Update #1

It’s a fine balance, this.

This past week, I decided to finally take the plunge to delete my social media apps from my phone. (If you saw this post on Twitter, it’s automated , haha!) This is something I’ve considered doing for years. I kept Facebook Messenger (not the Facebook app, I detest that place) and Discord, as I don’t find myself endlessly scrolling these apps and they’re how I keep in touch.

It’s funny, I got a handful of direct messages from concerned folks asking if I was okay and offering support. Which warms my heart dearly, but also, is kind of funny. It can seem like a cry for help almost, right? Admittedly, my mental health has been a roller coaster lately, but genuinely I am okay. Over the past year (and also, longer than that), I’ve thought so much about how I wish to be spending my time. What is the life that I wish to live? I find myself often incredibly frustrated that I’m not working towards that life, or making changes now to live it each day. This is step one.

I don’t think social media specifically holds me back, but it’s how I choose to cope with the more difficult tasks. The amount of times I’ve picked up my phone in the past day alone in a direct response to “Oh, that’s a tough thing to think about.” is staggering. Its not even conscious. I almost wish I was keeping track (but am kind of glad I’m not). But then I open my phone and stare at it and realize, oh. There’s nothing for me to lose myself in here. I lock my phone and look around and realize I just need to face it.

I have an addictive personality, and its very easy for me to use avoidance to not face the problems going on around me. The reason I struggled back and forth with this so much is because of how much I love connecting with people. I love reading updates on my friends, being able to relate to people so easily, see art that is inspiring. But already, I’ve realized, people will share those things with me anyway. I have amazing friends in that way. I do worry that I’ll fall behind with my fellow idol creators, with music I like to follow… but at the end of the day, I can still check in on my computer.

I feel two ways about it. I know how hard it is to step away from something that is literally programmed to give you doses of happiness to keep you scrolling. But I also do not think that it’s anything worth being praised for, you know? I don’t think it’s anything special, but I don’t mean that in a way to diminish how tough it can feel. We’re a constantly connected world, yada yada yada.

I don’t know when or if I’ll redownload them honestly. I’ve spent so much of my life online. I can’t stress enough how much of it I have. It is tough to think of a single day since the age of twelve that I haven’t spent online for several hours. I’m a bit of the idea that it doesn’t matter much if it’s negatively impacted me and my interactions with the world around me. All I know is this is where I am at now. I’ll have anxiety about falling behind, about people forgetting about me… but I can find other ways to connect with the people. And those who want to connect with me will find a way, too. I’ll still make videos, I’ll still stream, I’ll perform as much as I physically can, and I’ll post here.

For now, that’s enough. :)

Love & Stars,

Alex